After surviving the insanity of menopause and addiction, the grief of losing my Momma and Sister, I was left feeling confused and kind of lost. Well, definitely lost. My world went topsy turvy. It was the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. I used to love rollercoasters but not so much these days.
Menopause leaves us feeling unworthy, guilty, questioning our every move, every word we speak. It leaves us questioning ourselves and the world we live in. We don’t feel sexy or attractive, in fact, we feel the complete opposite. We feel like we have morphed into our Grandmothers over night. We begin to loathe the wrinkles, the belly bloat, the gray hair and the very existence of ourselves.
Caring for two addicts leaves you to make some of the biggest decisions of your life and the life of the addict your trying to save. The guilt, the hate, the love. Your heart breaks in a way you never knew a heart could break. It drains you, you feel void of all things, you feel like stone.
Grief, the grief of losing my Mother and a Sister who was younger than myself was overpowering. You can’t pick up the phone when you need that sage advice from Momma. You can’t pick up the phone when you need your Sister to talk you down from an argument with your Husband. You can try to make that call but no one will answer. You feel lost and alone. You lash out to your “higher power” and question “why?” Why? Them.
As you begin to work through it all, you suddenly have a total new outlook on life and death. You begin to realize how precious the gift of life really is. You open your eyes and look at the world in a totally different way. This is where the change begins.
It’s more of an awakening than a change. I suddenly felt stronger, wiser but I still felt like a big hot mess all at the same time. I knew it was time to #pullupmybiggirlpants and move forward. I was so dissatisfied with my looks, my wardrobe and my home. I needed to reinvent myself, to take the time to be kind to myself. I wasn’t sure how I would start this reinvention process but I knew it had to be done.
I decided to “just start.” I read daily affirmations. I revisited the things that have always made me happy in life. I started painting again. I started writing again. I made daily goals for myself no matter how small it was, it was a goal, an achievement. Every night, I made it a point to meditate on my day’s achievements. Gave myself a virtual pat on the back for a being happy today. I went shopping lol … I bought an entire new wardrobe of more “age appropriate” clothing. Clothing that made me feel pretty, accomplished and sane. I treated myself to the spa. I went to my favorite restaurants for lunch. I was all about me and it felt good. Damn good!
I still don’t have this reinvention thing finished yet. I can’t say that it will ever be completed. What I do know is life is ever-changing. Life is about reinvention. I do know that I feel great, I feel confident and determined to make the last leg of my journey and epic one! I no longer fear death because death is a part of life. I am no longer afraid.
I will no longer stay quiet about the things that have happened in my life. I’m not the only person these things happen too. I have made it a goal to reach out, tell my story and hopefully my words will fall on ears who need to hear, on eyes that need to see again. I want to be the inspiration. I want to be the one who says it’s okay to feel crazy, to feel sad, to grieve … but you will come to a point where you have to learn to love yourself again. I love you and I understand.
Have you ever felt you needed to reinvent yourself? Have you felt the “awakening?”
See you in the comments,